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Shine On, You Crazy Devlin/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi, Téa, Grandpa, Tristan, Joey, Duke Devlin, Yami Date: June 18, 2007 Running Time: 7:16 Transcript Intro: Duke Devlin is shown in a red warning circle NARRATOR: Warning - This episode contains copious amounts of Duke Devlin. Women with heart conditions are advised not to look directly at Duke Devlin. This also applies to women without heart conditions. He's very pretty - see? See how pretty he is? He's very pretty! I'd like to run my fingers through his hair, and I'm just a voice! Anyway, without further ado, enjoy your crappy animé cartoon. Opening title sequence plays Outside game shop YUGI: I'm going to school now, Gramps. If this porch isn't clean by the time I get back, I'll tell my parents you've been abusing me. TÉA: (cuts in) Hey, Yugi! YUGI: Slut! I mean, Téa! TÉA: What's wrong with your grandpa? Is he dying? Tell me he's dying... YUGI: (leans over to her) You know, Téa, we could kill him right now and nobody would have to know about it. TÉA: Really? GRANDPA: (pops up) Hello! I'm down here now! And I'm very angry for reasons I am about to explain! (points) Ta-da! That new game shop is stealing all my customers. TÉA: You have customers? YUGI: Wow! A super-special-awesome new gameshop! I believe that there is a slight possibility that I may be interested in checking it ou-- GRANDPA: (interrupts) DO IT AND YOU DIE!! cuts to school TEACHER: (offscreen, sternly) If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding! JOEY: How come we never do any school work anyway? YUGI: It makes you wonder why we even bother coming here. TÉA: Hey did you guys hear about that new student? They said he's the sexiest thing since sex. JOEY: Nyeeh, sex isn't that sexy. TRISTAN: Joey, what's sex? JOEY: Well, Tristan, when a man and a woman love each other very much-- TÉA: (cuts in) Joey, no! We musn't let Tristan breed! JOEY: Nyeeeeh! Thanks, Téa! That was a close one! Justin Timberlake's 'SexyBack' plays in background and every time Duke Devlin is on screen JOEY: Hey - where's that music coming from? DUKE: (his voice resembles Snake from The Simpsons) Keep your eyes on me, ladies! (He performs a trick with several dice and a cup; as he lifts the cup, the dice are stacked, one on top of another) Cheap parlour tricks are extremely erotic. Ho-yahh! FANGIRL 1: Oh he's so smexy! His cup is so big! TRISTAN: It's magic! He must be a witch! DUKE: (approaches gang) I couldn't help but notice you guys aren't drooling over me as if I'm some kind of sex object. TÉA: Huminahuminahumina-- DUKE DEVLIN: I'm Duke Devlin. I own the new game shop. TÉA: You can own my body too if you want. TRISTAN: (off screen) Burn the witch! DUKE: You must be Yugi. My fangirls have told me all about you! They say you're almost as pretty as me! JOEY: (slides on screen) Hey dice-boy, what'd they say about me? Point, point. DUKE: They say you're a loser with a fetish for dressing up like animals. JOEY: I am not a loser! And I'll prove it by challenging you to a children's card game. DUKE: I accept! But if I win then you have to be my slave. TÉA: Lucky bastard. JOEY: And if I win then you have to close your game shop. YUGI: Joey... don't you think that's a little extreme? You can't put somebody out of business just because you're jealous. JOEY: I'm not jealous! What does he have that I don't have? Aside from the fangirls, and the pretty hair, and those gorgeous green eyes? DUKE DEVLIN: (twizzles hair) Don't forget my sweet ass. JOEY: Yeah, and a sweet ass. But other than that he's got nothin'! TÉA: Bow-chicka-wow-wow... TRISTAN: (off screen) Burn the witch! Outside Duke's Game Shop JOEY: Here we are at the game shop. Once I win this card game Duke Devlin will be outta a job and he'll be forced to live on the streets! (laughs as he runs into the shop) Nyehehehe! TÉA: What a heroic thing to do! TRISTAN: Clearly he is a role model for children everywhere! Inside Game Shop DUKE DEVLIN: Welcome to the Duke Devlin love-nasium! I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of inviting my fangirls to watch our duel. FANGIRLS: Oh Dukey you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Dukey! (clap clap) Hey Dukey! (continues in background) TÉA: It's true what they say: Fangirls ruin everything. TRISTAN: Burn the witch! FANGIRLS: (offscreen) ...Hey Dukey! YUGI: (thinking) Isn't anyone gonna notice that I'm not wearing my school uniform? DUKE DEVLIN: I summon the extremely phallic space ship. But since it belongs to me, it grows to twice its usual size. Duke Devlin always rises to the occasion, baby! Gradius--totally attack his Life Points! (Gradius explodes in front of Joey) JOEY: Nyeeeeh! FANGIRLS (chanting): Joey Wheeler lost the bet! Duke Devlin makes our panties wet! DUKE DEVLIN: Since you lost you have to do whatever I want. FANGIRL: (hands Joey a dog costume) Put it on... JOEY: This is slightly more humiliating than playing a children's card game. YAMI: Duke Devlin, you've gone too far! How dare you force Joey to uphold his end of the bargain. I challenge you to a game! And if I win then Joey is no longer your slave! DUKE: Fine by me. But if you lose then you must swear on the life of your grandfather than you'll never play card games ever again. YAMI: Big deal! He'll be dead by the end of the month. DUKE: We'll play Dungeon Dice Monsters--a game of my own creation. (demonstrates) We each take it in turns to draw dice. YAMI: So it's just like Duel Monsters. DUKE: Then we use our dice to summon holographic monsters to the field. YAMI: So it's just like Duel Monsters. DUKE: Both opponents are given three heart points and when they run out the game is-- YAMI: (interrupts) So it's just like Duel Monsters. DUKE: Hey, stop it! My game is nothing like Duel Monsters. YAMI: Prove it then! DUKE: (long pause without theme music) ...My game uses dice. TRISTAN: (off screen) Burn the witch! (Outside) GRANDPA: As per usual I have no idea where I am! I wonder what's going on over there. (slides out of crowd) Hmm? (His eyes turn into hearts) Whoa Nelly! (Watching Devlin's fangirls on a big screen cheerleading) Yes, yes! Work it, baby! Grandpa likes it like that! Shake it like a Polaroid picture! Inside Game Shop JOEY: Come on, Yug! You can do it! FANGIRL 1: Shut up or we'll have you spayed! FANGIRL 3: (manly voice) That's right. DUKE: I've waited a long time for this moment, Yugi. I'm going to prove to the world that you're a cheater by beating you in a game of my own creation. YAMI: You wanna run that by me one more time? DUKE: There is, like, no way you could have beaten Pegasus without cheating. He was my idol! I've tried my whole life to be just as masculine as he is! YAMI: That would explain a lot. (Flashback) DUKE: (voiceover) I visited him before the Duelist Kingdom tournament to demonstrate my game. He was totally awesome! It was like he'd played Dungeon Dice Monsters his whole life! YAMI: (voiceover) That's probably because he had. Your game is exactly like Duel Monsters. PEGASUS: Congratulations, Dukey-boy. This is just what I've been looking for! Dungeon Dice Monsters will make my card game look exciting by comparison. I'll begin funding you immediately. DUKE (voiceover as Duke shakes hands with Pegasus and flashback ends): Dungeon Dice Monsters was set to take the world by storm.'' (cut back to him onscreen as theme music resumes)'' But then you defeated Pegasus in a children's card game and he dropped off the face of the Earth. You must have cheated! It's the only explanation! YAMI: Or maybe Pegasus just realized your game sucks arse. Go, Dark Magician! Destroy his life--I mean...heart points. ("Magical Trevor 2" music plays, as Dark Magician wags his finger tauntingly before attacking.) TÉA: Yugi won! His grandpa would be so proud! Outside GRANDPA: Hey! Go back to the dancing girls! Inside Game Shop YUGI: Man, Duke! I can't believe you actually thought that crappy little dice game would sell! JOEY: Yeah, it was just a carbon copy of Duel Monsters! You'd have to be as blind as my sister to not notice the similarities! TRISTAN: (holds up dice) This is going straight up my nose! GRANDPA: I'm not even sure how I got here. TÉA: Duke, did I ever mention that my nipples can supply power to a third world country? DUKE: I owe you guys an apology. I treated you all like crap. Do you think we can still be friends in season two? YUGI: Only if you stop using that annoying theme music. DUKE: What theme music? Ending: Toni Basil's "Mickey" plays CAPTION: can you have any pudding when you don't eat your meat...? Stinger: KAIBA: (laughs Mandark style) Ha haha! Ha haha-haha! Ha haha! Ha haha-haha! Post-ending TRISTAN: He must be a witch! He turned me into a newt! (Duke stares) ...I got better. 1x22